Monday Morning Muster - Memories

In our new spirit of chat, I thought I would prod some of you to reflect on your service, and recall that Monday Morning ordeal Called "Muster Parade"

If one thing was guaranteed to scare your average fusilier ****less, it was wondering whether you could get through the parade without getting jailed. Who can forget the joys of the Concrete Dustbin in Lemgo.

Remember the Mouse, most monday mornings " Sgt Major No1 Company, 2nd platoon, centre rank, 3rd man from the right.........he moved, he's bloody idle........lock him away!!!!!!

If it wasn't your platoon the RSM had nailed, you could afford to wallow in the accused platoons misfortune. If it was your platoon, you could read the fear in your platoon sgts eyes, as he desperately searched for the offending "Idle Individual" amongst your ranks, as each one of you counted along the rank to see if you were the offender. Happy days:arghh:

Any others?

Oh man!

I read the title of this topic and BANG! There I was in Berlin, Pl Sgt front centre of the front Pl - HQ Coy .... all alone - ****-all between me and RSM Nick Ravenhill.

Heatwave - plague of wasps - well maybe not a plague - but more than one within one square km, for me, is a plague.

I HATE wasps! I nearly totalled myself on the M40 once when I saw one INSIDE my windscreen - it's a serious phobia and I get a very nasty reaction to stings.

Anyway - suddenly BANG! Stung on my elbow - moved from attention to a crazy blur.

"SERGEANT TURNER _ WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING - KEEP STILL YOU C***!"

OK - OK - I'm cool - I can do this - the CO will be along in 10 mins - another half hour and I'll be away - even breathing, even breathing....

Another wasp, thankfully a small one, makes a beeline (waspline!) for my face...

LANDS ON MY FREAKIN GLASSES!! On the nose bridge - I'm cross-eyed -my bottom lip is jutting out and I'm blowing like **** to get the little ******* off... But it crawls INSIDE THE LENS ... IT's ON MY EYE for Chrissakes.

Oh God - please help me - I was in a church choir once - I would have gone twice every Sunday after I joined up, honest - but, well, you know, commitments and all that - HELP ME GOD!!

Now I'm flicking my head about like crazy, blowing - doing anything but move my arms from my side - my beret is on the side of my face - the angle of the hackle making that even more obvious - I can hear the lads in the platoon behind me ******* themselves - HA! I know - I''l do a smart about turn and jail one of the ****s.

"SGT TURNER - KEEP ****ING STILL MAN!"

Zap - Zap - Zap ... I got stung around the eye about eight times ...

I know - I'll faint - that's it - two guys drag me off - boots scraping along the deck - Oh Yeah - ONE - TWO .... Oh God - I can't do it - when was the last time a Pl Sgt was carried off the friggin' Bn Square.

RSM is starting to go Purple - I do that funny thing where you stamp your right foot behind your left and at right angles to it - God knows what that means - no-one taught me it. Took my specs off, put them in my pocket, adjusted my beret, came back to attention and everything went dark in my left eye as it closed.

The CO chose to inspect our company - that was nice!

No-one even noticed that I looked like I'd just dome 6 rounds with Mike Tyson.

*******s!

Hi Al , i recall turning up for my first ever bn muster parade when i joined mortars in Turnhill.
Carl Rowland's was plt Sgt, and he recruited me into the army, funny thing was his last words to me when i left for basic was the next time i see in in the bn i will jail you, i just laugh and said i buy that pint when you get me out.
When i was told after Ireland i was going to mortars , i was really chuffed because Carl was plt Sgt, on my first bn muster with mortars we formed up by company offices, i did not even make into onto the square , he sent me down for a work out, he came and got me out at dinner time with a big smile on his face and me with quite a mean haircut that one of civi blocks who worked in water treatment shed. I have not seen Carl since i left bn but i hope hes okay and i still owe him that pint , cheers Val.

RSM Cooper's favourite(or not so favourites) were the REME LAD boys doing the "Tank Park" shuffle onto the Bn Square on The Monday Morning Muster. I Think he banned the LAD from attending Bn muster in the end. I wonder if he and the REME ASM ever got on?
BTB

Bravo Company in Lemgo was always good for a laugh. Sgt Irvine would mutter derogatory comments about the other Platoons. John Lewis would invariably bite and then incur the wrath of CSM Vic Hughes and 4 Platoon would pay for it.

i can remember forming up outside delta block getting ready to go on muster ,when csm wally 15 spots some unfortunate fusilier who was,nt up to wally,s high standards, wally tells him to remove his belt and beret, tells cpl squires to fall out and escort him to the jail they get about ten yards and wally bellows , and jail your f***ing self,you had to be a brave man to laugh out loud, but most of the lads had tears in their eyes holding it in
oh wally 15 such a gentle soul

I once drove into camp in Ternhill....taking my cousin to work to naafi.
Only problem was....it was muster parade and i drove into it!!! All i could see was Brian Meah standing with his hand up telling me to go no further. I thought he was taking the p***. Tim was also on the RP staff them days.....so i thought he was having a laugh.
DID I FEEL A FOOL!!!! I could have died:unsure: .
Glen

I wonder who was the unfortunate guy that decided to shrink and shape his beret first thing one monday morning before muster parade in Tidworth. I remember it was quite a frosty morning and there were all these lovely blue berets and ONE very white one. His hackle was perfectly camouflaged. Perhaps a Forum member will own up to it. I nearly went to jail myself because I just cracked up and could not stop laughing.

First day back in the Bn after 3 years away (last year in Africa) only had tropicals and jungle boots - which in fairness could have been a bit cleaner, no worries as 2 i/c Anti tanks whos going to see me?????
No one, would have been the answer if CSM SP Coy hadn't been sick. No pace stick, stand in CSM, not really a drill pig anyway. Marched in to the RSM on the square...Don Butts face was a picture.

RSM "Dave, it's a suprise to see you here"......Dave "Not as suprised as I am to be here!!"

I won't describe my marker drill, but I could hear Don saying "for F*ck sake Dai call it a day and stand still.

You see it's not just the Fusiliers who get it in the neck.............but I think I got away with it... no, no really :nah:

What about the time RSM Cooper saw the band playing with Gloves on, did he rip into them or what??

Bravo company marching on in Lemgo with Puttys tucked into our trousers, berets as issued, no sewn in creases, they were the days???

John that is one of the funniest stories I've read on this forum.......Quality :-)

Removing boots to allow the RSM {Alan Harrhy} to check for army issue socks.

RP get him away.

Heres another one from Berlin.

The CO, Col Bob Lloyd realised many of us in the 1st Bn did'nt know the words to the Welsh National Anthem.(I think we were all caught out "Doing a John Redwood" at a boxing event).

We were all give a short time to learn the words properly, and on the following monday morning muster, Col Lloyd called out some unfortunate wretch to sing the anthem in front of the Bn, it was the equivalent of car crash TV, you know you don't want to watch, but you can't help yourself :yes: .....I was a SNCO then, and I can still remember desperately trying to hide behind Jinx 38.

This went on for a number of weeks, I think at some point he selected a random group of SNCO's to sing.....not good, but problem solved.

Off topic for just a sec if that's OK ...... could we have bluffed Bob Lloyd with this - wish I had not been posted away from the Bn when this was going on as I have always known about this ........ I would have just had to try it on!!!

Many phonetic versions of the Welsh National Anthem (Mae hen Wlad fy Nhadau) have been written for non-Welsh speakers. This one is by the splendid Swansea poet Nigel Jenkins.

Don't worry - there are pictures underneath for Val! (Sorry)



<!--This file created by AppleWorks HTML Filter 6.0--><META content="AppleWorks HTML Filter 6.0" name=GENERATOR>

My hen laid a haddock, one hand oiled a flea,

Glad farts and centurions threw dogs in the sea,

I could stew a hare here and brandish Dan’s flan,

Don’s ruddy bog’s blocked up with sand.


Dad ! Dad! Why don’t you oil Auntie Glad ?

Can whores appear in beer bottle pies,

O butter the hens as they fly !

http://www.paulflynnmp.co.uk/upload/hen2.jpg

I was (almost) resident Duty Bugler in Lemgo, or if I wasnt, I ended up it, after the first two got jailed after messing up the Bugle calls. Everyone used to ask me if I was ever worried standing in front of RSM Cooper on Bn Muster. Well the secret was to stay in Bills bar until about 0430hrs come in, shower and change for muster. I could never remember Muster. That's how.

I remember lemgo, in 4 PL on muster standing next to my best mate at the time our little Steve Cooper, thinking i was safe as Dad usually stayed away (WRONG). Well that morning he was doing a wander and stopped in front of his son, and asked him who had pressed his kit. The answer was same person as you Mum. Well i nearly fell over, hence to say we were marching down the road. Also when the RP came over, and came to a halt some change fell out of his pocket, so the Mighty Mouse said put your self away an all.. i always thought he liked me as i did go round his house for dinner once.

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Originally Posted by CARL PUGH

I remember lemgo, in 4 PL on muster standing next to my best mate at the time our little Steve Cooper, thinking i was safe as Dad usually stayed away (WRONG). Well that morning he was doing a wander and stopped in front of his son, and asked him who had pressed his kit. The answer was same person as you, Mum.

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I remember that Pug, quality:notworthy:

I remember in Lemgo when mighy mouse roared as the national anthem was being played and Alan Macandrew RP at the time was smiling from the NAAFI window not standing to attention-we didnt see him walk but we knew where he was going - Im surprised I remember that as I didnt turn up for most of them. Might have been a drum service

I've got a non-Bn Muster Story. In fact I'm not sure if it was a muster - no - it would have been a drill period - sod it - mastermind (started so I'll finish)

IJLB Oswestry - 1971 - Drill Pig a fearsome Irish Guards WOII. In normal conversation he had a bit of a stutter - but not when screaming words of command.

There was a lad in our intake called Parsons - D&Ds - who also had a stutter - a long gangly thing - sort of guy that would look like **** in a Versace suit - never seemed to be standing straight.

Anyway, Drill Pig spots him and stomps over.....


"Wh Wh Wh What's your n-n-n-ame s-s-son?"


"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-arsons, S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-ir"

ARE YOU T-T-T-T-TAKING THE P-P-P-P-P-P-ISS L-L-LAD!"


"N-N-N-N--N-NN-N-N-N-N-N-N--N---N-NNNNNN OOOOOO S-S-S-S-SIR"!

God I can hardly see the screen to press 'submit reply'!

Dai Hood remember Walley used to make us wear weights down our denims to keep the bottoms looking smart, lads would use curtain waights, bicycle chains all kinds of stuff, then rolls of cardboard to finish them off, the nightmare of getting dressed, put on denims, put weights around legs, put on boots, tuck into elastics,pull denims down to knees,lower weights,put in cardboard, pull up denims tap feet lightly. march onto square gingerly, come to attentention in a "smart soldier like manner" cringe as your weights fell out the bottom :shocked:

When I was a Pl Sgt in Shorncliffe the sea fog would come rolling in from the sea & you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, One morning we tiptoed all the Pls off the back of the square when the fog cleared the whole muster had vanished, leaving the RSM & CSMs out there on there own :confused: it's a good job they saw the funny side. the Jnrs loved it.

yea richie i still get nightmares thinking about it ,you had to get up about two hours early just to put your trousers on,but i secretly liked it when he got someone, its like laughing in church,you know you should,nt but you cant help it. or am i just wicked?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rolli25

I remember in Lemgo when mighy mouse roared as the national anthem was being played and Alan Macandrew RP at the time was smiling from the NAAFI window not standing to attention-we didnt see him walk but we knew where he was going - Im surprised I remember that as I didnt turn up for most of them. Might have been a drum service

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It was a Beating the Retreat(forever known as "Beating the Meat") for a comrades visit on a lazy saturday afternoon. Mac got bust for that:biggrin:

John - BRILLIANT. You should write a book, I for one would buy it!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DP43

First day back in the Bn after 3 years away (last year in Africa) only had tropicals and jungle boots - which in fairness could have been a bit cleaner, no worries as 2 i/c Anti tanks whos going to see me?????
No one, would have been the answer if CSM SP Coy hadn't been sick. No pace stick, stand in CSM, not really a drill pig anyway. Marched in to the RSM on the square...Don Butts face was a picture.

RSM "Dave, it's a suprise to see you here"......Dave "Not as suprised as I am to be here!!"

I won't describe my marker drill, but I could hear Don saying "for F*ck sake Dai call it a day and stand still.

You see it's not just the Fusiliers who get it in the neck.............but I think I got away with it... no, no really :nah:

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Remember that morning well, seem to think my drill was sxxxe aswell:yes:

monday morning muster outside a coy block in lemgo all standing there getting the once over and out of the bushes pops up will 59 after 25 to many drinks down lemgo , took the attention away from us bags of s*** for a while alas not long enough , john lemmin asking politely (not) if you want the pill (his fist) jeez did we put up wth that . if i saw him now id tell him no uncertain terms................................. mmm sorry colour i wont do it again ,, coward or what

I remember standing on muster freezing our T**ts off in working dress possibly short sleeve order (that usually came in by date not weather conditions) when Major Crocker would stroll on wearing a parka, I used to love the quirky individuals of all ranks that were allowed to be a little different in those days. :notworthy:

Yeah - "Fall in the officers" ....

Used to love that bit - c'mon - lets see how our leaders do the basics of working as a team - oooh look - that one's the only one in step -- HA - look at that one - NO MATE - YOUR RIGHT ARM GOES WITH YOUR LEFT LEG - that's it CHANGE STEP - shall we-will we-yes we will - OK he's got it ..... here comes the halt - **** me what an abortion!

"Officers TAKE POSTS" - Oh man this bit is really good - Pl Sgt moves from front of Pl to rear - Pl comd takes his place.

Pl Sgt is smart as a carrot - causes serious damage to the concrete with his right boot - Pl Comd is like Pingoo the freakin' penguin ..... are you SERIOUSLY gonna inspect ME looking like that - your hair is curling up under your beret - your shirt collar is half in and half out of your jumper and ..... have you shaved? Oh - no - that's OK - you're too young!

I'm exaggerating of course - Lemgo (seems to be a poular era) we had a Pl Comd who I won't name - not Goad, Not Tritton .....

Muster parade in running gear - denims, boots, red shirts - freezing cold - no - I mean FREEZING cold ...

This guy was an angry young man - had 'attitude' - once the formalities were over he would RIP through the three ranks - not looking for haircuts or dirty boots, but looking all the same - he may stop briefly "You look like ****, were you on the **** last night?"

"YES SIR"

"Well lag behind and I'll **** you - UNDERSTAND?"

"yes sir"

(This was not me of course!)

Then he would seek out the OC, inspecting A.N. Other Platoon and BUTT IN ..... "x Platoon inspected sir, permission to leave the square"

"Er - yes"
.... and he was away "OK - DOUBLE MARCH"

Next thing I knew we were WAAAAAARM - running around the woods and lakes behind the camp - I loved this stuff. OK - left to my own ends I may not do it so FRIGGIN' EARLY! But man - I'm getting paid to keep in shape and take in all this great scenery - what's that - dash the next 500 yards? - no probs! Pick up the guy on your left and dash another 500? You got it!

yea, I remember something similar in A Company. Maj Plummer, Sez Des and 46(I think), all had Canadian parkas. Very nice they were too............never seemed to be a problem wearing them on parade either:elvis2: :confused: Although to be fair to Brian Plummer, he did blag us a quality trip to Australia in 82. 10 yrs later, whilst he was CO he explained to me how he had achieved it, needless to say he admitted if any OC under his command had tried the same scam, he would have sacked them............great stuff:rolleyes:

to go off at a slightly different tangent it was in the depot crickhowell 1977 junior soldiers
we were having drill practice, we were formed up in a square by our platoon sgt ,a sgt jeffries, devon and dorsets.once we formed up i was opposite a lad from the rrw who had a very funny face a cross between ken dodd and bill oddie and every time i looked at it brought a smirk to my face
jeffries comes over to me ,says you smirk once more and ill knock you out i thought to myself dont look at him and your,ll be ok ,but a voice at the back of my head said go on have one more peep ,idid and the next thing i knew iwas getting dragged to the drill shed he,d kept his promise and knocked me out
i think he felt a bit guilty as he gave me his hankey [soiled]said clean all that blood away and get back on parade

id love to meet him now, and thank him for making me the man i am today

dai hood no1 padded cell
broadmoor

Here is when for the Bn "God Squad" the Bn 1st fifteen playing in a BAOR rugby cup final an the Battalion Had to clean the snow off the pitch( I remember it well because iwas 1 of them)
BTB

in the winter in berlin, hoosing the square on a sunday night so it would be to icy monday morning for a muster, or finding someones pants or bike up the flag pole.

when the Queen came to visit the BN in warminster, B and D coy supplied the honer guard , but before the QUEEN turned up we had to do areas .. can never figure out why we had to do areas around the dump at the wash down point in battles bury bowl

Same thing Boys ,
Monday morning muster in Lemgo . I am the right marker in 4 Pl . Right at the front of the company . You could tell that Mouse was ****** off , everybody could . We were stood there about 15 paces from him . All of a sudden he came bouncing towards us at 100 miles an hour and skidded to a halt , right in front of , I think it was Luker , he said , "if you do not stand still I will put this pace stick up your F%^$£g nostril and with a quick flick of the wrist you will be in the LAD car park " Well I was rocking , which started a few off , then the inevitable , Cpl Mccarthy lock this man up , Yes Sir , belt and beret off Luker , quick march , "while your there lock yourself up" yes sir .
He locked me up a second time which I am sure that many of you will remember . It was during the inter company boxing in Lemgo , Irv was in the ring with Derek Adams , I think , Mouse called everyone to silence so he could announce the contenders . But I always had a bit of a gob and continued my verbal support for Irv one nano second too long . He called a halt to everything and locked me up in front of everyone .
Good days , lessons learned , great memories of great blokes who made and shaped us .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BennytheBall

Here is when for the Bn "God Squad" the Bn 1st fifteen playing in a BAOR rugby cup final an the Battalion Had to clean the snow off the pitch( I remember it well because iwas 1 of them)
BTB

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bennytheball we would like to thank you for the fine job you done however you did miss a little bit in the corner but thankyou any way

I remember when they were re-furbishing our block (Delta's) in Lemgo we had to stay in Detmold and every Monday morning Wally 15 had us formed up outside and inspected us before we had to get on the 4 tons back to Lemgo for Bn Muster, everyone so careful getting on the 4 tons (not to get their kit messed up or boots scuffed), the 4 tons would drop us off at the guard room in Lemgo, Wally screraming "GET FELL IN", then he would disappear into the guard room and come out with a couple of RP staff , then Wally would point his pace stick at a couple of lads and shout "belts and berets off", Cpl Squires lock them up, the thing that got me was he only inspected them 15 minutes earlier in Detmold, i think i heard Sgt George Cole say to one of the Cpl's that Wally had not had enough cups of tea that morning

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dai hood

to go off at a slightly different tangent it was in the depot crickhowell 1977 junior soldiers
we were having drill practice, we were formed up in a square by our platoon sgt ,a sgt jeffries, devon and dorsets.once we formed up i was opposite a lad from the rrw who had a very funny face a cross between ken dodd and bill oddie and every time i looked at it brought a smirk to my face
jeffries comes over to me ,says you smirk once more and ill knock you out i thought to myself dont look at him and your,ll be ok ,but a voice at the back of my head said go on have one more peep ,idid and the next thing i knew iwas getting dragged to the drill shed he,d kept his promise and knocked me out
i think he felt a bit guilty as he gave me his hankey [soiled]said clean all that blood away and get back on parade

id love to meet him now, and thank him for making me the man i am today

dai hood no1 padded cell
broadmoor

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Di i can recall the said day.

Some great stories JT you deserve an Oscar "The Berlin Bee" Well from the days of fear in Lemgo especially if were a marker as i was a Fusilier in the Lemgo early days then thank god, but got made up later and on occasion had the magic words echoing around my face "Ill stuff this pacestick up your F...ng Nose"

On one occasion a new draft strolled past the mouse, and the well out of Character He remained calm and decided to call the COS HQ Coy ie me over to give an example of how it should be done oh my god I felt every step and creek in the ground ensuring that I don't blow this as I finish at 6 and I am going out tonight !!!! Thank god all went well and he continued to educate the new draft?

In Berlin we would march on with our Platoons having been inspected prior then the LAD would arrive with 6 guys and someone would say you may aswell join the Sig's oh no some were in Rag order god you prayed that the CO did not choose HQ Coy as Nick(RSM) will murder the Platoon Sgt that allowed Scruffy on parade!

Much later when I was standing in for the CSM C Coy in Brawdy on a Monday morning hoping not to drop a clanger as being a CSGT at the time it would be quite easy to pick up a few extras, but luckily all went well but I always had time to chat with the markers it looked professional apparently chating to Cammy about the weekend activities as there is only so much you can say about drill is there!

Best Musters had to be Lemgo & Berlin

JT Best Story!!!!

Beefy, I remember the hose pipes on the square in Berlin. Delta's hosing down one side, while we in Bravo's did our end. And if that wasnt enough to get Muster cancelled, at least we could watch the Officer's slipping over outside B Coy block!! I remember one morning that the Juniour Officer's drill was that bad, that Nick Ravenhill made them parade at NAAFI break for drill lessons. Brilliant.

Nick Ravenhill's favourite muster comments...

1. "RIGHT, WHEN YOU STEP OFF, MAKE SURE YOU COME FORWARD WITH A BLOODY SENSE OF PURPOSE!!"

2. "SGT (WHOEVER), MIDDLE RANK, THIRD MAN IN, HE'S LAUGHING ON PARADE. GET HIM AWAY, AND MAKE SURE HE LAUGHS ALL THE WAY TO THE BLOODY JAIL!!"

Happy days. Well, they are now!!

Btn Muster, Tidworth first time around. RSM Roy Blewitt screamed at the CSM of A Coy, "that Fus in the front rank of 3 Plt is moving on parade". CSM went over and pointed to a Fus and screamed back to RSM Blweitt, "this one Sir". RSM Blewitt screamed back "No, but he will f***kin do".

Good old days!