yesterday, I turned the ripe old age of 37, and as such I deemed it an ideal opportunity for Sid and Paul Gough to pop down to the beautiful vale of Llangollen to help me celebrate.
First entry onto the blog paper was when Paul advised me that Sid was going to pretend that he had a bad stomach because he felt that £15(between two) for a taxi was far too expensive a price to pay for his mates birthday get together!! Sid seems to forget that I have to travel and return from Wrexham whenever he fancies a night out. Although I do stay down at Chez Burns now and again!
Whilst stood outside my local having a smoke, I introduced Sid and Paul to my mates daughter who is currently in Recruit training in Harrogate. I told the lads that I helped her with her training before she got in. She then found it amusing to tell them that whilst taking her through the BFT training that I drove alongside her in my car, whilst shouting words of encouragement!! Oh how they chuckled!
Sid then began to bore the poor girl senseless with endless boring tales of how he was a 'Bisley shot!'. Paul then piped up with an admission that he only ever passed an APWT because he always used to get extra ammunition prior to the practices. Sid looked at him in disgust. My mates daughter then said that she loves the Army, but that she was infact very homesick at the beginning. Sid, trying to encourage her, let slip with the following classic....."WHEN I WAS IN TRAINING I ALWAYS USED TO PHONE MY MUM AND SAY THAT I WANTED TO GET OUT. BUT SHE TOLD ME...DON'T WORRY JASON, YOUR BROTHER LARRY WILL LOOK AFTER YOU!!!!!" Priceless.
Jason insists that I tell the Forum, that my sister bought me a box of Liverpool FC teabags for my birthday!! Mind you, we are only ever good in the cup so it was quite apt!
Now, those that know of our past blogs will no doubt realise that although we give each other constant abuse, Sid and I are very good friends. However, what I did not expect was after only TWO pints yesterday for Sid to lean over, kiss me and say.."I LOVE YOU SCOUSE!" (bless him)
Sid then decided that although he knows a lot of my mates from home, he would tarnish the North-South relations with the following quote...."ANYWAY, YOU NORTH WALIANS HAVE ALL GOT BIG C**KS AND HANDS, AND YOU ALL LIVE ON FARMS!" Where the hell does he get his info from? I've never lived on a farm!!
Paul and I then began to give Sid abuse for not taking his coat off. A coat I hasten to add, that was a cross between a life jacket bouyancy aid and a set of body armour! Being a good old egg, the lanlord in my local then layed on a big bowl of curry for everyone. Instead of being grateful Sid whinged "I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THE LOCALS HAVE EATEN ALL THE BREAD!!"
Sid constantly reminds me of the fact that he was a CSM, and I definately was not.When we had finished our food Sid shouted to me on the other side of the pub "SCOUSE, YOU KNOW YOUR PLACE, CLEAR ALL THE PLATES UP FOR WHEN THE CQMS ARRIVES!!" I was speechless, Paul wasn't though as he looked at Sid and said "YOU PR**K!"
Sid then began to bore one of the locals with the fact that he is now an avid Wrexham FC fan. Although, he knows absolutely nothing whatsoever about footy! Paul and I asked him to name a current player and he replied "MICKEY THOMAS AND DIXIE McNEIL!!"
Paul then put Sid in his place by reminding him that a girl came up to him in Wrexham last week and asked him why he wore his trousers like Simon Cowell! Quite afew of my mates then got a game of killer pool going, which Paul, Sid and I participated in. When one of the young lads was taking a shot, Sid quipped "LOOK AT THESE YOUNGSTERS THINKING THEY ARE THE BESS KNEES, DONT THEY KNOW THAT IM A SOUTH WALIAN?" Amazingly though, Sid actually made it to the last two, before only just getting beaten. Mind you, he should be good the amount of time he spent in the NAAFI!When he returned to the table we both congratulated Sid on his gallant effort, to which he replied-"I DONT NORMALLY LOSE IN THE FINAL OF ANYTHING"(yeah, whatever) Sid also claimed that..."IT'S NO SUPRISE THAT I DID SO WELL, I WAS NAAFI POOL CHAMPION IN NETHERAVON, AND I HAVE THE TROPHY TO PROVE IT!"
The next item on the blog is one which I found rather disturbing, scary and downright weird. Even more so for the fact that they had only had about six pints at this stage. I went out into the beer garden for a ciggie, where I was serenaded by both Paul and Sid, who proceeded to sing happy birthday to me in the style of Marilyn Monroe to JFK!! Believe me, it was not sexy at all!!
Sid then continued to put North-South relations further back by claiming.."THERE IS ONLY ONE COUNTY, AND THAT'S GWENT.THE REST OF YOU ALL SHAG EACH OTHER!!" Returning to the common theme that Sid is still delusionally thinking that he is still in the army, Paul Gough asked "SID, ARE YOU PIS**D?" To which Sid replied quick as a flash..."NO, F**K OFF, IM A SERGEANT MAJOR!"
Talking of not letting the past go, Paul had been farting all day and on one such occassion, some girls looked over at him. Paul looked at them and said "DONT WORRY, THE CAPTAIN HAS FARTED!!" (they are as bad as each other!"
Unfortunately, Sid and Paul then decided to return to Wrexham after a great afternoon out. However, not before Sid left the following pearl of wisdom with the locals..."HEY, I COULD CREATE A NEW BLOODLINE UP HERE FOR YOU, YOU THICK NORTH WALIANS!!"
Well, a great time was had by all, and yet again we have had another insight into the mind of Jason Gilman Burns!:confused:
