Hairy mess do's

Something on another thread brought back memories.

When I was attached to 11 UDR I attended a Sgts' Mess regt'l dinner - 4 a.m. - just me and one hard drinker (guiness and bushmills chasers) left, surrounded by bodies.

"Jew know warr I like 'but jewjohn?" he slurred "Jew gorra good constchit, conchitoosh - conschooch - ahh **** it - yu'cn drink"

"Constitution?" I said

"Yeah" he said - jabbed his hand out for me to shake and slid off his stool!

I'd been primed with 5 a.m. port-drinking competitions with Charlie Fenton in Berlin - thank God his wife usually dragged him away! (Sucker never worked out I'm immune to port and other 'womens' drinks!!!)

Anyway, I think my hairiest mess do was a corporals' mess do in Lemgo - when the Cpls' mess first had mess dress - remember Gareth Williams (26 - sigs) doing an impression of a water cooler - flat on his back - full bottle of wine - in gob - no hands - down in one. Very impressive!

So - me and Gareth - ringbolted, go for breakfast in the cookhouse at about 0730, stagggered to our tables with a full English mit rice crispies each, looked at it and thought 'Nah!' - he put a fried egg on his fork and flicked it at me, I tipped the rest of his plate into his lap, so he picked up his bowl of rice crispies - I just flung my arms open and shouted "Snap Crackle and ........." SMACK!

Next thing I remember is trying to open my flat door with my I.D. card - I'd done it before .... then it suddenly swung open and I'm in, with the (now ex) wife standing over me ............ ('scuse me - need the bog)

(OK - I'm back........... ) There I am, on my back, covered in milk and rice crispies and before passing out I remember saying "Hi darling - now don't go to any trouble - I've already had breakfast!"

You?

Its the Way you tell em! JT

That, I guess, is part of the reason it is now your Ex-wife. But you do tell a good yarn John.
There must be lots more out there like this one.

What?

No-one got any good ****-up stories?

OK - another ...... but different.

My Brother and his wife came to visit us in Berlin (Strange - he never made it to Ballykinler!!!) for Christmas 89 - the wall had just come down, he was there for the new years party at the wall etc etc.

There was still a fair exchange rate for the Deutschmark to the (East) Mark - about 4 or 5 to one.

So I decided to book a night he would not forget, us four, Paul and Sue Vickery, Martin and Wendy Hargreaves .... maybe others - Nij Brockley? .... slap up meal in E Berlin - hire an MT minibus.

I'd already cased the 'Grand Hotel' - had had a meal downstairs in the 'cafe' - what a place - waiting staff in tops and tails, your bill arrived on a plate under a tiny top hat. My daughter was, what - 7? and she said "Dad - I feel like I'm in a film on the telly"

So, I went back with a friend later and sussed out THE restaurant upstairs - the menu was out of this world and the place itself would upstage The Ritz - seriously - I know!

So we asked the Maitre-D if we could book for such and such a date. "Certainly Sir" he said - perfick Ingerlish! "How many would you like to book for?"

"Twelve" I said (I know it was 12 but I can't remember who was there)

He raised an eyebrow before taking my details....

So, the big night comes - all the men in mess dress, smart as carrots, we go through all the booking out rigmarole and end up at check point Charlie.... The RMP Sergeant looks at our booking out form and raises an eyebrow - just like the Maitre D did ... "The Grand eh?" he said "Oh yes" I said

"You know The Grand is an 'Inter Hotel' don't you?' he said

"Er - no, what's that then?"

"Well, it means it charges West Marks, not East, or can do if it wants - you may be lucky, but I doubt it now the wall's down!"

('ang onaminute - why were we booking out if the wall was down - maybe I have my dates mixed up - maybe the procedures still had to be followed for a while - I don't remember - whatever - this happened!!)

He continued "If the prices were for example M50.00 it would be East marks, if DM50.00 - West - do you remember which?"

Well I didn't - I'd assumed E Berlin = E Marks - didn't pay much attention to prices, but my friend seemed to remember an average of about 250 per head - if DM then that was about £85 - TIMES TWELVE PLUS DRINKS......


So minibus pulls up outside The Grand, my friend and I saunter up to reception - everyone else still in the minibus.

"Oh, hello - er - are there any tables free in your restaurant tonight?"

"Sorry sir we are fully booked"

"Ah well - so, anyway, tell me, is it East or West marks in the restaurant?"

"West Marks, sir" (Scrotum attack)

"Oh, well, thank you; goodbye"

EXIT STAGE LEFT ...... RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!!

So now what do we do? All dressed up and nowhere to go.

But I knew E Berlin very well and just acroos the road was a very nice hotel I had eaten at several times - The Hotel Unter Dem Linden. Could they cater for a party of 12 at no notice or was it to be a bratty at the schnell imbiss?

God, sorry for banging on - I'll make it two instalments ..... To Be Continued.....

I have take my Hat off to you JT, not a topper though? so the More, prey tell!

So ..... we piled in to The Hotel Unter Dem Linden, and asked a manager type if they could cater for a party of 12.

There was some muttering between him and some staff and he came back and said that he could, as long as we did not mind being in our own room, with a set menu, no choice and just one waitress.

Noooooo Problem!!

What a night - one great big banquet table - food was great and the booze flowed - one lady ordered a champagne cocktail, when it came in a nice posh glass, she said, er, no, a jugful please! Out came about 4 jugs of the stuff, on trays with empty glasses!

Waitress worked like a demon and when we left, all well-oiled, we each gave her all the E Marks we had left and she burst into tears! Must have been a month's wages or more!

Thing was - the Sgts' Mess wives club got wind of this and I ended up as escort for a meal/****-up for them in the same place!