Things I have to put up with

[John Turner]

This Summer a guy came into our shop with a set of photos of tractors to frame, turned out he was absolutely barmy about tractors. He even came on a tractor - had it parked outside the shop; he bored us to near suicide on its technical spec and that of all the tractors in the photos.

After we had chosen the frame and finalised the order he went to our greetings card display and found several cards with tractors on, some mugs too - bored us senseless with all the spec and history of them too.

Anyway, a week later he was back; his arm was in a sling, he had had a very bad experience with his machine and said that he wanted nothing to do with "the damned things" ever again, he wouldn't give details, seemed very upset. He'd even brought the mugs back and some photos of his children to replace the tractors in the frames we had made.

We said we would do this while he waited at no charge and deduct the cost of the mugs from his frames. This cheered him up a bit.

Then he commented on how warm it was, and it was too, for the last two hours of the working day, at that time of year, the Sun belts through our window and we have no air conditioning.

Anyway, the guy went around the shop taking HUGE gulps of air, then walked to the door and blew them out, he kept this up for about 10 minutes and the place actually got very cool.

"Wow" I said "How did you do that?"

"Easy really" he said.........................

"I'm an EX TRACTOR FAN!"


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[Thom15]

Good one John.

[John Turner]

Oh! come on John

Oh - OK then .....
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I sing in a Welsh Male Voice Choir - years ago we had a musical director who was not much good - he would turn up late for rehearsals, he'd sometimes be drunk and sometimes he would not turn up at all.

But the last straw came when he turned up at a CONCERT half drunk - and whilst trying to conduct us, fell off his dias and landed in a heap.

So we had a private meeting and decided he had to go - our deputy conductor was very good - and willing to take over. We drew straws to decide who would break the news - guess who picked the short straw - me!

So - the following Monday - psyched up - I approached him as he was about to start, but as I did so he held out his hand - palm up and said ..."Gentlemen, I have an announcement - I have met a wonderful lady from America - we are to be married and I am moving to Arizona USA - this is my last rehearsal - I apologise for the short notice but I know my deputy can cope and that you are strong enough to go on ........... "

"Oh dear" we said and "Well, we will of course miss you..... good luck!"

Anyway, the choir went from strength to strength after his departure - but what happened to him is the interesting bit .....

He managed to get in as musical director of an up and coming choir in Arizona who had just lost theirs - all was well for a time but then the booze problem returned - he was sacked the first time they smelled booze on his breath at a rehearsal.

He took it really badly - REALLY hit the bottle and to make a long story not quite so long - ended up MURDERING HIS WIFE!!!

Arizona - Death Penalty!

He was only on Death Row 3 years before he was led to the chair, they strapped him in and asked if he had any last words - he said no, but that he really really would like to unpeel and take a bite from, a banana!!

After some brief discussion, they thought what the hec and granted him his wish. They unstrapped him and passed him a banana, he peeled it, threw the skin over his shoulder and ate a small mouthfull.

They strapped him in again - went through all the formalities as per 'The Green Mile' and threw the switch.



NOTHING ... nothing happened.

He was returned to his cell - equipment was checked - a new date was set..... they strapped him in.

'Any last words?'

'I'd like a banana'

'OK'

SAME HAPPENED AGAIN -


So - back to his cell - this time they TESTED the chair on a rabid coyote and a South - Walian and it fried them both - no probs!!!

So - here we go again - strapped him in - formalities - banana.... peeled the thing, skin over shoulder - ate a mouthful, strapped back in, threw the switch ..... NOTHING - Bugger All!


Well, the laws in Arizona at the time, and for the purposes of this joke, were, that if three attempts failed, the prisoner was a free man - a 'Yeah - RIGHT' type of rule...

So he was unstrapped and the warder said "Under the rules of this State, after three unsuccessful execution attempts, you are a free man"

They unstrapped him and stood aside - he walked out in to the fresh air.

But the executioner - the switch thrower, caught him up and said, "Look - I just gotta know - I mean, I KNOW my gear was working fine, what was it, what did you do, I just HAVE to know PLEEEEASE tell me - was it something to do with the banana skin over the shoulder?"

"No!" he said.......................................


"I'm just a bad conductor!"

[ap1]

SSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO P!

John, we've been down this road before, real stories yes, made up ones(jokes) NO

Nice try:tongue_xmas:

[Dai]

John me thinks your the Barmy one:cute_xmas: . Have a good xmas matey:wink_xmas:

[dai hood]

Thanks alot al
Ithought they were real stories ,well they made me laugh anyway.next your,ll be saying there,s no santa spoilsport

[dutchman]

nah dai there aint , nor bo peep , so theres your pimp gone

[John Turner]

OK - just for the record - no jokes on the forum, anywhere, anytime?

Is that correct? As I can't see that anywhere in the smal print!

[stubexpc@yahoo.co.uk]

It would appear so John ,
I have taken my funny contribution off,I don't want to be upsetting anyone.:no_xmas::::::::: :arghh_xmas::::::::: :huh!:

Stu.B

[rolli25]

John keep them coming was it Tom Jones who escaped from death row, all that green green grasss etc = is that why they call it the Green Mile?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you in February Ill pop in on my way down to Eastbourne

[ap1]

It would appear so John ,
I have taken my funny contribution off,I don't want to be upsetting anyone.:no_xmas::::::::: :arghh_xmas::::::::: :huh!:

Stu.B

Nobody is upset Stu, the Forum is a very broad church, my comments to John were meant to be "tongue in cheek", and was based on my past experiences of the forum. We did have a joke category 15 months ago. Unfortunately, some of the contributions could have been deemed offensive by some of our members, so we stopped them, Thats it.

Thanks
Al

[John Turner]

Yes, that was a forum dedicated to jokes and it went a bit awry, but the odd joke TOPIC within a forum will fizzle out with the rest no doubt.

So - glad to hear we can share the odd joke, just as we may at the bar etc.

So -anyone got any real groaners???

[chalky]

why are pirates called pirates


cos they arrrr


shocking or what!

[stubexpc@yahoo.co.uk]

:bobby: Yes. OK Al,
After that one, I can see why you closed the joke section.
Hey Ho !!

:emoticon-sign:

[Barry69]

J T Bloody amazing stuff but I should of know if histiroy tells us anything, anyway apart from the humour its nice to here from you!

Drop us a line on barry_@hotmail.fr or MSN us take care J T

[rob jones 60]

where does a general keep his army's ......... up his selves ............and on that note merry Christmas and a very happy new year to one and all........

[ukcalling]

joke il try keep it clean lol.... apparantly jeramy beadles got a small 1............................but on the other had its pretty big.........drum role plz lol

[dai hood]

a nice christmassy one


doctor doctor my brother thinks he's a orange


where is he ?



in my pocket